Today I feel cowboy. Today I feel construction worker. Today I feel leather-bound biker.
Four years on from the press conference at which FIFA president Gianni Infantino launched his bizarre homily to the Qatar World Cup — proclaiming “Today I feel African, today I feel gay” — the Swiss-Italian unveiled his vision for the 2026 World Cup in the United States, Canada and Mexico.
At the World Cup draw, held at Washington DC’s Kennedy Memorial Center, Infantino presided over a mishmash of light entertainment and international affairs, with a little football sprinkled in.
It culminated in a performance from disco group Village People of their 1979 hit ‘YMCA’. Watching from on high, U.S. President Donald Trump performed his hip-thrusting, fist-pumping signature move, like a striker trotting out a trademarked celebration to ensure its place in the next EA Sports FC game.
The Village People’s performance was as much like a fever dream as the rest of the ceremony. Despite an interminable wait, the event’s headline act still seemingly managed to miss their cue, stumbling on haphazardly while the opening chorus was already underway.
Trump and the Village People’s musical collaboration will be enshrined alongside Diana Ross’ missed penalty during the opening ceremony of the USA’s last home World Cup in 1994 — a cross-cultural carnival of cringe, met with a mix of mirth and despair across the globe.
Infantino displays a gleeful contempt for the old adage that football and politics don’t mix, and this ceremony was the equivalent of chucking the two in some sort of conceptual cocktail shaker. The presence of Trump — and his Canadian and Mexican counterparts, Mark Carney and Claudia Sheinbaum — was the most notable aspect of the occasion, made even more so by the fact that Infantino also made them pose for possibly history’s most awkward selfie.
Smile… Donald Trump, Claudia Sheinbaum and Mark Carney pose with Gianni Infantino (Kevin Dietsch/Getty Images)
It was fitting that the ceremony opened with Andrea Bocelli’s rendition of the operatic aria Nessun Dorma. The title translates as “None Shall Sleep” — and as the draw dragged on into its third hour, there were significant fears the choice might prove alarmingly prescient.
The musical performances from Bocelli and Lauryn Hill were a reminder that, for all the absurd pageantry of the tournament, it will be graced by real (sporting) talent. Robbie Williams and Nicole Scherzinger also performed.
Nessun Dorma complete, Bocelli was replaced by hosts Heidi Klum and Kevin Hart — the kind of substitution which routinely sees football managers in England met with chants of “You don’t know what you’re doing”.
Heidi Klum and Kevin Hart, an unlikely double act (Stephanie Scarbrough – Pool/Getty Images)
Hart and Klum, a little-and-large partnership all too familiar to fans of 1990s-era Premier League strike forces, then took the stage. Their task, presumably, was to warm up the crowd, a challenge they met with all the efficacy of someone taking a hairdryer to a glacier.
They introduced Infantino, who promptly declared FIFA “the official happiness providers for humanity for over 100 years”, calling into question his grasp of the meanings of both the word “official” and also the word “happiness”.
Then, after Infantino asked all the Americans, Mexicans and Canadians in the room to identify themselves and cheer, came the award of FIFA’s peace prize. The award has been dogged by the suggestion it has been invented merely to flatter the U.S. president, but Infantino was in no mood to uphold such claims. “The FIFA peace prize is awarded annually,” insisted the FIFA president, about something that has never been awarded before.
After a video presentation in which the importance of peace was extolled over video footage of children sitting on walls and yes, you guessed it, playing football, Infantino explained his theory that “peace creates hope and football transforms that hope into unity”. As formulae go, it has to be said, it’s not entirely scientific.
He then announced the recipient. To everyone’s astonishment, it was Trump. “This is truly one of the great honours of my life,” he said, as he collected a trophy that coincidentally looks like it depicts hands reaching up from the underworld to claim football’s very soul.
The terrifying FIFA Peace Prize looms on stage (Brendan Smialowski/AFP via Getty Images)
The mutual admiration between Trump and Infantino was evident throughout. Trump continually referred to Infantino as his “good friend”, but then also appeared to regularly call him “Johnny”.
Then, once all the important stuff was out of the way, some football matches were arranged. It began with more presidential input — the absurdity of watching Infantino teach the leaders of three nations how to pick a ball out of a bucket will live with us for some time.
The other major protagonist of the event was Rio Ferdinand. The 47-year-old former England and Manchester United defender found himself front and centre of the actual draw, alongside broadcaster Samantha Johnson, but not before appearing in not one but two exposition-laden comedy skits.
Ferdinand’s involvement was primarily in an acting role. It’s unclear if this was an ambitious attempt to crack Hollywood or simply a cry for help.
Samantha Johnson and Rio Ferdinand take centre-stage (Brendan Smialowski/AFP via Getty Images)
The draw was as convoluted as we’ve come to expect. Tom Brady struggled to handle the balls, while Wayne Gretzky introduced us to new countries such as “North Mackadonia” and “Kuracko”.
“The rehearsals weren’t like this,” insisted Ferdinand.
As the permutations of the draw became more and more complex, Ferdinand was given the unenviable task of trying to explain what was going on and why, which he did in a far more convincing fashion than his ‘video call’ with actor Matthew McConaughey.
Sadly, the one match that wasn’t made was Ferdinand against his roving co-host, Mexican-American actor Danny Ramirez. As the two verbally jousted from the stalls to the stage, what was presumably ill-judged banter instead took on the flavour of actual loathing.
It all ended in a party atmosphere, with Trump jiving away to the sounds of YMCA — a suitably absurd image to cap an occasion on which a football organisation spent more time lauding politicians and wading into global diplomacy than simply sorting out who plays who.
“You do do what you want,” Infantino told Trump at one point.
And so, it seems, does FIFA.